10 Signs of a Cheater You Can’t Ignore
I sit here today writing this article as a relationship coach, but I think it’s important for you to know that like many of you reading this now, I was once a struggling single who was cheated on by boyfriends before. And not just cheated on once either. Multiple times, actually.
I wish I could say I was smart enough to see it coming each time, but sadly I was not. Cheating had been normalized earlier in my life which is why I often would ignore the MANY red flags of cheaters until I inevitably caught my ex-partners cheating. So I’ve been there, and understand just how frustrating and heartbreaking it can be to have someone you care about break your trust by ending up in the arms of another.
Most studies about infidelity in committed relationships agree that men are more likely than women to cheat and that when it comes to cheating in marriage around 20% of men and 13% of women say that they’ve had sex with someone other than their significant other. I assume that these numbers are higher in relationships across the board as with marriage there is the added legal and ceremonial component that makes it a liability for people to admit their infidelity.
Whether in a marriage or in a committed relationship the best and most likely way to stop being cheated on is to not allow the cheater into your life. Easier said than done, right? On the plus side, modern dating tools do allow you to improve your dating picker and invite in only the best quality partners available to you.
Here are the best ways to keep cheaters out of your life.
1) Ask if they have cheated in the past
This may seem kind of obvious, but you would be surprised how few singles actually ask this question to their prospective partners. Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes so smart singles don’t assume anything when it comes to protecting their hearts. If the person you ask says “no, they have not cheated someone before” that does not mean you automatically take their word for it either. Again, being a smart single you should always test their words by looking out for any contradictions in words or actions at a later date.
If they say they have cheated in the past make sure to ask follow up questions as to the number of times, circumstances, etc. It’s important to pay attention to whether this is an isolated incident or behavior that the person has worked through. If the individual is accountable and has modified their behavior then that’s a good sign. However, if the person is still engaging in the same unfaithful behavioral patterns then that’s a major red flag.
Sure, honesty and transparency are great, but according to one study of 18 to 35-year-old unmarried singles, someone who cheats once in a relationship is three times more likely to do it again in a future one so tread carefully.
2) Ask if they have good friends that have cheated
Totally odd question right? Still, have you ever heard the phrase, “Birds of a feather flock together?” Well, when it comes to cheating this is a very real statement because studies also have shown that someone is more likely to cheat if they have friends who cheat.
3) Your partner is extremely jealous or possessive
This desire to know your every move or to control you is not only a red flag for the overall health of a relationship, but it is also a sign that your partner might cheat. The goal for the cheater here is to control you and make sure you stay exactly where they want you, while at the same time giving them the freedom to do what they want… to cheat.
4) Set clear relationship boundaries and needs early on
There is nothing wrong with letting someone you’re dating know that you’ve been cheated on before and you want to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. To do this, it’s important to implement boundaries that make you feel safe. One thing I did in my marriage was to create complete transparency with our computers and phones. If I want to see my husband’s phone, I just ask him. This is not about a lack of trust for him, this is about my need to feel like we don’t keep things from each other. A partner who wants to keep his world a secret or vice-versa is not building a good foundation for transparency and trust. That being said, if you are someone who needs to constantly check your partner’s phone or computer, then it’s you who may have the real issue.
5) Trust your gut
I sure wish I did this before some of my cheating experiences. We so often like to rationalize a partner’s behavior because we want to think the best of them. This is such a colossal mistake because your gut is a biological impulse that is actually built into your biology to protect you from getting hurt. So when it speaks to you, you MUST listen.
6) Always test their action vs. words
One thing that cheaters often do is say one thing and do another. For example, it is so easy for someone to tell you they love you, but when you never see them perform any actions that indicate that they love you like: doing something thoughtful like buying you flowers, well, then this could be a red flag. When relationships are strong and healthy people’s actions and words tend to match.
7) Know that cheating isn’t always just about sex
It would be easy to think that a cheater is doing it in order to achieve an orgasm, but that is just not the case. People cheat for all kinds of reasons: power, insecurity, immaturity, lack of intimacy, or balance in their own relationship. The bottom line is: don’t make your sex life the barometer for judgments about infidelity because when you do you could be looking in the wrong direction.
8) They do not take responsibility for their actions
This goes for the little things like failing to own up about breaking something, to bigger things like lying about how much time they spend watching porn each day. Someone who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions often masks something else. It’s possible they are a narcissist or just not secure enough with themselves to own up to their flaws. These factors may not automatically lead to cheating, but if someone is ok misleading or lying to the person they claim to love, well, they might not have a problem making the leap to cheating.
9) They complain about what they don’t have more than what they do have
It’s totally fine to have a desire to want a better life or to want to have that nicer car or house, but it only works when someone is “happy” with what they don’t have. If you are with someone who is never happy with what they have and is always thinking about getting “this” or having “that” then just how long do you think it will be before the “this” or “that” will be someone else?
10) Always be willing to leave
A relationship is not a need for anyone it is a choice… period. When you are someone who says you will never leave your spouse, you are giving them the power to do pretty much whatever they want. A strong relationship begins and ends with both partners know that if they do not act in accordance with the wants and needs of the other that is over. It’s important to present yourself as someone who will leave if crucial boundaries are violated such as cheating or spousal abuse. This lets the other person know that there will be consequences for harmful behavior and that consequence is losing you
Regardless of a person’s reasons for cheating, nobody has to do it. It is a choice that someone makes and your goal should be to find a partner who never considers making that choice. You do this by screening in only the best partner for you, by being your best self in your relationship and in life, and by also making sure that you convey to your partner that not being cheated on is important to you. Taking these steps will help you not only screen out cheaters but also set yourself up for that forever relationship you have always wanted and deserve.
If you struggle with seeing the red flag signs, I’m here to help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.