Back before I became a happily married woman and Master Certified Relationship Coach, I was a single woman dating just like you are today. And going back to my dating experiences, I remember some of the dirty tricks some of those “players” I dated used on me and the toxic relationships I was in.
I admit I fell pretty hard for some of these guys before their true intentions were clear to me. It took time, but eventually I began to learn the Conscious Dating skills to not only avoid being played, but making sure that my dating life was rigged for only one possible outcome… finding love and happiness.
So in order to help you on your path to finding this same love and happiness, let me share with you 5 ways to know if he’s playing you.
#1 – Actions Don’t Match His Words
Often, a player’s greatest assets are the words that come out of his mouth. A successful player is gifted with silky smooth communication skills. He may call you things like beautiful, sexy, stunning, smart, and/or shower you with unlimited verbal presents.
He may talk about the future, how he wants to introduce you to his friends and family, and go on and on about all the places he wants to take you. But the interesting thing about players is that as you continue to date, the actions begin to follow the words less and less.
Weeks will pass and even though he compliments you, he rarely will show his affection with romantic gestures like flowers or cooking dinner for you or surprise gifts. Then of course you still haven’t gone to all those places he promised, met any of his friends or family.
When it comes to weeding out the players and weeding in the quality partners, it’s the actions that really matter. So as you begin to date a guy, pay extra special attention to what he does, not what he says. Because in the end, it’s very easy to say you love someone, but much harder still to actually show it.
#2– He Never Really Plans Dates, It’s Always Last Minute or He’s Available When It’s Convenient
When you are a priority in someone’s life, they make time for you in their life. In this digital age where email and text rule the roost, far too many men out there simply think that you can just drop a girl a quick message, with little or no notice, and she will come running.
To me this is unacceptable. Good dating is about respect and courtesy and making each other feel like a priority. Players tend to have none of these elements in their repertoire, that’s why it is so easy to spot them.
If you are with one of those guys who only texts you “he misses you” late night and tends to ask you “if he can see you later that night” (aka booty call), then you have a man who is really just not that into you. Pay attention to “when” and “how” a man asks you out, because the mere fact he is asking you out is not as important as the way he does it.
A good guy will ask you out with plenty of respect for your schedule and be excited to see you on your terms, not just his own. If your ultimate goal is to be treated like a priority, he should be planning dates, asking for your input, and meeting your needs to make sure you are happy.
#3 – Sex Is the Only Real Touching You Do
Sex is NOT affection. Sure, there can be affection during sex, but it’s definitely far from a rule. If you are like me, you want to have a good sex life, but you also want the regular, non-sexual elements of touching that come from a strong romantic relationship.
I am talking about hand holding, cuddling, or lying on the couch watching a movie together. It’s simple boring stuff that can make such a huge difference in a relationship. If you are with a guy who really seems to want you in bed, but you seem to have a force field around you when you are out of the bedroom, then you are getting played.
So begin your “player weed out process” by understanding what you want and need in the form of physical touching in a relationship. Then as you date a guy, pay close attention to what you are actually getting from him in terms of physical attention.
If you’re not getting what you need, just communicate your needs to him and see how he responds. If his actions fail to improve, then you know exactly what you kind of man you have… a player.
#4 – You Find Yourself Paying With Your Wallet or Your Time
Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
You are out for dinner and your man says he doesn’t have money to pay. Maybe it’s because he left his wallet at home or his paycheck is late or his credit card is maxed out so he needs to borrow some money from you. If it does then you are not alone.
It has happened to me far too many times and I kick myself now for not seeing this as a sign I was being played. Sure, people can fall on tough times, but there are tough times and then there is a pattern of unacceptable behavior.
This concept of paying for a player doesn’t always come in the form of money either. You can pay in your time too. Maybe your man constantly asks you to do things for him like get his dry cleaning or walk his dog or pick him up at a friend’s house.
The bottom line is a good relationship is about a balance of giving and taking between two people. Players are great at taking, rarely at giving. So pay attention to how much you dish out in your relationships. If the time and/or money scale is tipping far too much in his direction, then it’s time to step off and move that scale back in your direction by finding someone else.
# 5 – Your Gut Tells You He Is…
In my years of dating, I think the biggest mistakes I ever made occurred when I was not listening to my intuition that I was being played. And I am not alone on this one.
So many of my clients who ended up in bad relationships have told me how they saw the warning signs they were being played by their man, yet just never did anything about it. Eventually, they found out of course, but, oh, how much valuable time was lost. The culprit for the failure to listen to their intuition involved rationalizations and/or excuses for their man as to why they must be mistaken in his bad behavior.
Most often this ignoring ones gut comes from a fear of being alone or a desire to believe in the best in people. Whatever the reason, our intuition (aka instincts) is biologically and socially imprinted in us for a reason… to protect us from getting hurt. It’s no different then if our home were to suddenly catch on fire, we know exactly what to do… get the heck out of there.
So when your intuition tells you something is wrong with your man or your relationship, please don’t ignore it. Listen to it, check things out, and make sure all your questions are answered. Sure, you may not always like what you hear, but when you are getting played you are going to find out eventually so why not sooner, rather then later.
If this article helps you avoid replicating all my tragedies, then I feel I have done my part. There are so many players out there who care little about the women they hurt.
It’s very important for you to start developing building blocks, like the ones I have taught you above, so you can avoid the men who will cause you harm. You deserve respect, compassion, and love from a wonderful man, so pay attention to the red flags and keep those players on the bench where they belong.
And if you are having trouble holding your boundaries in this area, let’s talk and see how I can help. Schedule a Free Relationship Readiness Review with me here.