I’m a Relationship Coach now, but before I became a coach, I struggled at dating for years just like you. And the part of dating that sometimes would drive me bonkers was when I met someone or was in a relationship with a person that seemed to check all the boxes. And I seriously thought he was my Mr. Right.
You know, when you find a person who you have a connection with that makes you feel positive about dating, even happy about it. And then… poof, just like that…he’s gone. Disappears like a puff of smoke into the wind.
Back then I always wondered why this happened. I remember second guessing all my choices. I mean, how could I think that this person was so right for me and things end up so horribly wrong.
So many daters out there make the same critical mistake (like I used to) in thinking that they should just give up hope because they can’t find answers of why this happened or how to avoid this dating disappointment again.
I’m here to share with you the secret to avoiding these fizzling relationships starts with becoming Conscious with Dating.
When you’re (conscious) self-aware and mindful of dating patterns that hurt you, you won’t risk repeating the same patterns again.
Instead, you can actually make conscious choices that serve your relationship goals and be well on your way to finding that good relationship that will never end… your forever relationship.
The key is to look back at all your relationships, take ownership that you played a part in it as well, and be mindful of dating patterns that may sabotage your next relationship.
So let’s start with the top reason 5 reasons good relationships go bad and how you can make sure it never happens to you again.
1) Falling for the Sex Trap
Helen Fisher asked newly “love struck” couples to have their brains scanned and discovered that they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates “desire and reward” by triggering an intense rush of pleasure.
It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine! Yes, you read that correctly, cocaine! Fisher suggests new couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in the smallest details of this novel relationship. Some say true love lasts a lifetime.
Well, that may or may not be true, but when it comes to the chemistry of love things do not last so long. The chemicals released in any of the three Stages can last anywhere from a few months to a few years. So I like to consider the one to two-year relationship period the probationary love period.
Because sure these early feelings can be wonderful (especially when you meet the right person) and should be embraced, but the thing to pay attention to is how these feelings are affecting your behavior and your choices.
The key to finding dating success is to understand that some of what you both may be feeling is chemical and will eventually lessen. Because when the chemicals wear off so does the attraction that comes with it, then all you’re left is with the relationship you chose. Good or bad. So balance your heart with your head.
2) Non-negotiables Were Not Met
Most singles come to me thinking they know their Non-negotiables commonly known as deal-breakers. The problem is they really don’t.
Non-negotiables are core values a person requires to have in a relationship in order to be happy, and if even one is not met in a relationship, the relationship will fail in every case. Yes, that’s right, even one.
So even if you were dating someone and he met 9 out of 10 of your Non-negotiables and just one was not met, then it will eventually end.
So until you know and understand how your Non-negotiables you may be setting yourself up for yet another good relationship that just doesn’t have what it takes to survive.
3) He or She Just Wasn’t that Into You
I know this sounds cliché and even hard to admit, but one of the great tests to see how much a guy is into you is to pay attention to his actions, and see if they actually match his words. For many, when the relationship looks and feels good almost everything their counterpart says just seems right.
In the early stages of dating we may be meeting the representative of that person and not truly the flawed authentic person. That’s why I say, talk is cheap, show me instead.
I bet if I asked you right now to think back to one of your good relationships that went bad, you can think of more than one time when your “good” partner said one thing and did another. I know this happened to me a lot in my past relationships.
Maybe it was small and like he said he would call you back and never did or something bigger, like I want you to meet my friends or family and weeks or months went by with no introduction.
Conscious daters actually don’t get offended by this behavior, instead they make a mental note that this person may not be a good fit for them. And when things don’t match up, they exit the relationship before investing their heart.
4) There’s Too Much Distance
By distance I mean in life-visions distance, where there is too much distance between where you are and where they are in life. When two people get along amazingly, but are just at two different places in their life, it can be so tough to overcome.
Maybe you’re someone who is ready to settle down, but the other person is thinking more about their career.
Or you’re ready for a long-term commitment or even marriage and the other person is fresh out of a divorce still discovering their identity. Timing is everything as they say.
So make sure that when you decide on a partner, that you factor in timing with each others life visions and make sure you both are headed down the same path.
If you’re unclear about your life vision, it can be difficult to screen a potential partner. I can help you gain clarity and stop wasting time on wrong partners. Just schedule a Relationship Readiness Review with here.
5) Slow Down to Speed Up
Sometimes when we are excited in a relationship we like to jump to the end before we even get to the middle chapter and miss some crucial screening time.
Yes, we’ve all done it once or more in our life, where we quickly (after a few dates) jump into bed too soon or even create a fantasy of what our future babies will look like with the guy or girl were dating.
But for others sitting across from us, they may be thinking things are just moving too fast and without knowing, we’ve pushed them away.
It’s so important to slow things down (I’m serious!), stay present, and pace yourself in the relationship. If this person is meant for you, then what’s the point of rushing? You’re going to spend the rest of your life with him or her anyway.
Also time is your friend, give yourself 2 to 3 months to get to know this person before you fully invest your heart. Most companies give a 90-day probationary period before they fully commit to hiring the person, you should too.
This way you won’t miss any of the MAJOR red flags and it’s the best way protect your heart. So as you enter into a relationship take things slow, even if that pace seems wrong to you because I promise you when it comes to finding love it’s a marathon not a sprint.
If you’ve been struggling with finding a quality partner and truly are ready for a meaningful relationship…I can help. You may be just missing some screening skills, schedule a Relationship Readiness Review with here and let’s talk.